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WANTED: WHITE MALE ATTRACTIVE SHIRTLESS LATE TEEN EYE CANDY WHINY HERO

WANTED: A underdog fantasy hero to fulfill the prophecy, wield the magic sword and defeat the dark lord who is terrifying the land.

MUST: Be white.  And male.  And attractive.  And in his late teens.

MUST: Be a farmer.

MUST: Have be ripped and rarely wear shirts.

MUST: Have their parents tragically killed by the dark lord’s minions and seek revenge.

MUST: Whine all the time and not want to save anyone.

MUST: Learn a valuable lesson along the way.

MUST: Fall in love and seduce the damsel.

ALSO WANTED: Better writers who break the stereotypes.

 

Richard Rahl at The People’s Palace-Epic Speeches with William Wallace

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FREEEEEEEDOM!  This is epic speeches with William Wallace, ya pansies, the part of the blog where  William Wallace talks about epic speeches.

This one’s from a book called Stone of Tears, part of the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.

Mmmmm…I like swords.

This book takes place in another world.  Unlike my movie, which is 100% historical.  A man named Richard was collared as a prisoner, and taken to this fortress called the People’s Palace.

He was in a strange land, all alone, and taken from the woman he loved.  Worse, they took away his FREEEEEDOM!

There was only one of Richard, and he was surrounded by hundreds of witches and thousands of guards.  I could’ve beaten all their arses into haggus, but we can’t all be Braveheart.  So anyway, this Richard guy, he draws his sword, and talks about FRREEEEDOM!

“His fingers tapped the Rada’Han around his neck. ‘As long as you keep this collar on me you are my captors and I am your prisoner. Since I have committed no aggression against you that makes us enemies. We are at war. Sister Verna has made a pledge to me that I will be taught to control the gift and when I have learned what is required I will be set free. For now, as long as you keep that pledge we have a truce. But there are conditions. I have been collared before. The person who put that collar on me brought me pain, to punish me, to teach me, to subdue me. That is the sole purpose of a collar, you collar a beast, you collar your enemies. I made her much the same offer I am making you. I begged her to release me, she would not. I was forced to kill her. Not one of you could ever hope to be good enough to lick her boots. She did as she did because she was tortured and broken; made mad enough to use a collar to hurt people. She did it against her nature. You do it because you think it is your right. You enslave in the name of your Creator. I don’t know your creator. The only one beyond this world who I know would do as you do is the Keeper. As far as I am concerned you may as well be the Keeper’s disciples. If you do as she, and use this collar to bring me pain the truce will be ended. You may think you hold the leash to this collar, but I promise you if the truce ends you will find that what you hold is a bolt of lightning.'”

Terry Goodkind, you may take our suspension of disbelief, but you will never take…Our FREEEDOM!

That speech was badarse.

The Ctaeth-Deliciously Vile Villains with Rumple

maxresdefaultHello Dearies!  And Welcome to Deliciously Vile villains with Rumple, the part of the blog where Rumplestiltskin talks…about deliciously vile villains.

My,  my, we do so seem to love emotionally complex and sympathetic villains these days, don’t we.  From Daredevil’s Wilson Fiske to the Mistborn Trilogy’s Lord Ruler (no, really, read the last book)  to LITERALLY EVERYONE IN MY SHOW TO THE POINT IT’ S CONTRIVED AND ANNOYING…

Point is, villains lately have been much less Darken Rahl and much more Queen Cersei.  And maybe that’s a good thing.  But sometimes it’s great to just revel in pure evil (trust me dearies, I know.)  The forces of pure darkness can make deliciously vile and terrifying villains when written right, from Heath Ledger’s Joker to the Nothing to the Ctaeth.  The last is possibly the most terrifying thing to come out of the Kingkiller Chronicles, including the scary as fuck spider/fungus/demon Scraels.

And who is the Ctaeth, you may ask?  It’s a fairy trapped in a tree.

Stay with me, dearies.

The Ctaeth is a creature who is completely omniscient and completely malicious.  It can not only see the future…it can see EVERY FUTURE.  You heard of that diverging timelines multiverse theory/overused plot device in sci fi?  Imagine you saw every diverging timeline.  EVER.  AND YOU KNEW EXACTLY HOW EVERY ACTION AFFECTED EVERYTHING.

Like knowing exactly how to release a butterfly in South America to eventually cause a twister in Storybrooke.  (No worries, we get those a lot).  Since you’re a malicious creature that wants to cause a much misery as possible, you would do that.  Or you just bring Robin back to the show…prick.

The Ctaeth supposedly is trapped in a tree because no one could kill it.  And whenever a human (read…idiot) tries to talk to it, the Ctaeth manages to manipulate him/her just right to cause a plague or a war or other such darkness.  That’s right dearies, the Ctaeth is locked up in prison and can still cause a plague just by talking to someone.

Eat your heart out, Hannibal Lector.  With some fava beans and a nice chianti.

In the Kingkiller Chronicles we only see the Ctaeth during a few pages.  (Out of easily 1800 so far).  But this creature is easily one of the most memorable in a book filled with memorable characters.  Why?  Because it wants to cause suffering on a worldwide scale, and if ANYBODY SO MUCH AS TALKS TO IT, that is exactly what happens.

 

 

Indiana Jones meets Steampunk in the Best Possible Way (Book Review)

This is a review of The Invisible Library, a steampunk mystery book by Genieve Cogman.

The Premise:

Irene works for the Library, a shadowy organization in a pocket universe that collects books from different parallel dimensions that the Library deems worthy of preserving from all time.

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The story even begins in Indiana Jones fashion, at the end of a former adventure where Irene escapes with a necromancer’s grimoire from Hogwarts-ish boarding school.  Oddly enough, though I loved this device in Indiana Jones, this opening adventure is one of the weakest parts of the book (don’t worry, it ends quickly).

Irene returns to the Library through the portal that exists in all actual libraries (clever) and quickly gets whisked away to a suspicious new mission to retrieve a book about Grimm’s fairy tales in a parallel dimension so unstable it has been quarantined, and could collapse at any time.

The way the parallel dimensions are described is one of the coolest parts of the book.  Not content with the tired cliche  of diverging timelines, the author added the element of chaos, a destructive force that not only creates vampires, cyborgs, and magical fey, but also creates a unstable reality where no one in the world realizes this is abnormal.

Once Irene arrives with a new partner named Kai, the race is on to collect this book before the Library’s enemies, Irene’s nemesis, or the conspiracies of this world get their hands on it.  But why does the Library want what is seemingly an ordinary collection of fairy tales so badly?

The Awesome:

I feel it is very difficult to create a good steampunk novel, especially when no one has any real idea what the hell ‘steampunk’ actually means.  (Do you know?  Tell me in the comments.  I so want to figure it out)

But the greatest strength of this book-the device of ‘chaos’ where both magic and incredibly advanced technology can exist in an otherwise ‘normal’ world with no one realizing the oddities-actually works supremely well.

Not only do we get a dirigible chase scene, giant mechanical centipedes, and even cyborg alligators, which may be as close as Dr. Evil ever gets to his dream, but these naturally co-exist with magic, dragons, and vampires.  And it’s awesome.

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Two elements that particularly stood out are the dragons and a fey named Lord Silver. The dragons are actually  well-done, not the rehashed and unimaginative beasts we see in a lot of fantasy novels.  These dragons are inspired more from their Eastern cousins, wise, book-loving and regal, they are the only creatures that can contain ‘chaos’.  They look to the Library with more disdain than elves do dwarves, and many of the characters treat them with a mix of respect and terror.

And finally, Lord Silver, who is hands down the best and most entertaining character in the book, and one of the better villains I’ve read recently.  He’s a powerful fey, whose personality is a cross between the fey from Jonathon Strange and Mr. Norrell and the MOST MELODRAMATIC MAN YOU WILL EVER MEET.  Turns out his power (in addition to shooting lightning and making fireballs) is the ability to exude ‘chaos’ like a pheremone, so that other people around him start to believe his reality.  Lord Silver’s reality is that he believes himself the hero of a great story, so anyone too long around him will start falling into the roles he wants them to play-believing themselves to be damsels in distress, or unable to stop the ‘hero’, Lord Silver .

It’s a really creative premise for a villain, and created an excuse for a flaming villain to actually  be sort of threatening; since everyone around him believes this ludicrous character is actually more Conan than pride parade.

The Meh:

The magic  of the Library is called the Language, which include the true name for everything ever, an can only be spoken or heard from Librarians.  The problem is if you don’t say exactly what you mean, the Language will interpret it literally and cause something wrong to happen.  It’s like the pissed off genie of magic systems.

The only real problem here is that the Language has some incredibly complicated laws, restrictions, and caveats, which I am normally fine with, especially since the ‘rules’ of the Language always adhered to.  The problem is the ‘rules’ are given to you piecemeal through the book, and only when they become relevant.  This makes it appear like the author is making it up as she goes, and is often annoying when a high-speed chase scene has to be slowed down for exposition on how the magic works.

The Bad:

Speaking of exposition and explanation, there is a lot of it here.  Now, there is a large and complicated world the author is building, so that exposition I don’t mind at all.  The problem is the novel is mostly revolving around the race to get this powerful book and the mystery of where it is/who has it.  So in between almost every action scene, the characters discuss what happened with Sherlock Holmes (not really, but he’s clearly inspired by the character.  The protagonist notes numerous times how much she loves Sherlock Holmes, how much this detective reminds him of Sherlock Holmes, and how she is attracted to him because of Sherlock Holmes.  And her name is Irene, a named she chose herself after  the famous femme fatale)

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These discussions with the not-Holmes are useful as the protagonists try to figure out the mystery, but waaaaay to long and detailed.  The problem is that they give you sooo much information, including things you already know, and other details the readers could probably piece together.  It slows down a great narrative.

The only other complaint is a sex proposal literally out of nowhere between Irene and her new apprentice.  Not that sexual tension doesn’t have it’s place, and both characters are noted as attractive.  But in what dimension does someone get hired, mess up his job for about four hours, then propose sex to his boss and GET OFFENDED WHEN SHE SAYS NO?  It’s just very out of place for both of these characters and their development, who end up more mentor/lost boy then sexual partners.  And besides a small, misleading clue Irene deducts from her apprentice’s willingness to be naked, it adds nothing to the story.

The Verdict for THE INVISIBLE LIBRARY by Genieve Cogman

8 Umbrellas in the Fog (Out of Ten)

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This was a great, really imaginative and really fun book to read.  Even many of the foibles are forgiven as they come from author’s own clear passion for books,  and Lord Silver is one of my favorite antagonists.  There’s a whole lot I didn’t even cover with this review, and all of it awesome (including another badass antagonist and Irene’s rivalry with her nemesis).  So give it a read!

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All the Best Fictional Characters Have Umbrellas

It’s a fact.  Undisputed.  If you’re the best you have an umbrella.

Mycroft Holmes… Stylish Umbrella

Gotham city’s perfidious Penguin…Awesome Umbrella

You know when you’re a Kingsman,  you have a…Badass Umbrella

The Seventh Doctor and Missy….Cool Umbrellas.  The Umbrellas are cool.

Mary Poppins…talking Umbrella.  Wickedly Smashing.

My name is Matthew Konerth, and I also have an umbrella.  Does that mean I’m stylish, awesome, badass, cool, and wickedly smashing?

Of course.  I mean, why not?